A story about how missing out on a goal helped me find my joy in running
Well, here I am. Sitting on my couch by my fireplace, sipping an amber ale, reflecting on my journey since Rim to River. You see, today is the Monday after the Bandera 100k. Ah Bandera, you would have been my first opportunity to race against hundreds of amazing trail athletes in the rocky deserts of Texas. You would have been my first Golden Ticket Race as well! For those new to the ultra-running scene, the top two finishers of a select few “Golden Ticket Races” qualify to run the Superbowl of ultra-running, the Western States 100 Mile Endurance Run. Since I didn’t get picked from the lottery, earning one of these coveted tickets is the only way in for this year’s Western.
But this goal of mine will have to wait a bit longer as I wasn’t able to make the trip due to an injury. I would go into detail about it but it’s a rather confusing injury that is somewhat hard to explain. To put it simply, I probably should have let my body recover a bit longer after Rim to River before trying to get back into training. I’ve come to find that racing 100 milers across the New River Gorge typically beats you up more than you think it would. Also, I’ve learned that just because you can run decently well a few days after a 100 miler, doesn’t mean that you should. But let’s take a closer look into the toll injuries have on runners and how this one affected me.
Injuries suck. Like, really suck. All runners experience injuries. It’s the unfortunate inevitable truth to running. And what makes it worse for runners is that suddenly we can’t do the simple act of putting one foot in front of the other which we often take for granted. It may seem like a monotonous and repetitive action but for most it means so much more than just an exercise. Running is our escape from the real world. It sets us free to explore, it blossoms dreams, and burns our souls to push ourselves farther, faster, and higher than we ever thought possible. We are runners. It is what we do and what we love. But if we aren’t careful, we can let running define who we are, become our identity.
I fall into this trap all the time and quite possibly might still be in it if I am being truthful. If I am ever introducing myself to someone new, you can be quite certain that I am going to tell them that I am a runner. It is what I do and what I love. It’s who I am But what happens when you get hurt and you can’t run? Are you still a runner then? What is your worth if you cant do the one thing you are good at? This is the question that kept revolving around my head throughout the days that I had to take off. At first, it was easy to remind myself that I have accomplished a lot in running and that the fitness wouldn’t just magically disappear by taking off a few days. However, with each passing day that I couldn’t run, my doubt in mind began to grow. It would have me questioning everything. Thoughts such as:
“How can you run 100k if you can’t even run a few miles without your leg seizing up?”
“Even if you can run, you are going to embarrass yourself out there if you try to race those guys”
“All that fitness you built up is going to be gone by the time you start back running again”
“Look at all the miles your competitors are putting in…how are you going to compete with that?”
There were so many more negative thoughts that plagued me with each passing day. To rid myself of these thoughts I tried to to get back out there and start running again. I felt like I had to if I wanted to race competitively. Maybe if I foam roll more, take more ice baths, take more ibuprofen, stretch, maybe I can get back. Which, as you can guess, none of which work without letting the body heal.
It wasn’t until a few weeks prior to the race when I finally decided to drop. If you know me, you know I don’t like starting things that I can’t finish. I was so set on racing that I never even entertained the thought of deciding to not go. In my mind, I considered the thought of not going and not trying to reach the goals I had created, as a failure. I was determined to at least try to go for it. And as one of my running heroes, Des Linden says, “You have to keep showing up”. so here I was trying to show up
I got so anxious even thinking about the race, but I was prepared to have my “Once more unto the breach” moment even if it meant hurting myself for it. If you are not a runner, this might all seem very dramatic…but these are some of the negative thoughts that get stuck in your brain when you let your goal become your identity. My goal was to prove myself against the elites, to surprise the running world by being up in the top 5 competing for one of the coveted golden ticket spots. I wanted people to think, “Where did this random guy from Huntington West Virginia come from?” Let’s be honest, I wanted to show up and beat some sponsored runners as a non sponsored athlete. And I was convinced that not even trying would hurt worse than the physical pain of trying to push through it and seeing what could happen.
Fortunately, it only took a short and simple text from my father to get me to think clearly. You see, dad was supposed to accompany me to Bandera along with three insanely awesome trail runners from the Northeast, David Hedges, Ellie Pell, and Riley Brady. We were part of a group called the Trails Collective which is an awesome group that supports trail runners in the Northeast It was a trip I was obviously looking forward to because I was excited to meet new friends but also to get the opportunity to hang out with my dad all weekend. And in every race that I do, I run to make him proud. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know he would be proud regardless of how I finished but I just really wanted to see the look on his face watching me exceed expectations, beat some legit runners, being tough like a Bowen should be, and compete for those top two spots. I jokingly say, “My parents didn’t raise a wimp” and I just felt like giving up would put me in that wimpy category.
But as I sat there reading his text telling me that it’s not worth getting hurt for and that there will be other races to run, it just felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. The pressure that I put upon myself was gone almost instantaneously. Crazy right? It was at this point that I challenged myself to rest it out. Negative thoughts still came but I found ways to remind myself that healing was a necessary evil and that there would be other races to run. And that is what I did. I kept up with treatment, started doing some strengthening exercises, and was eventually able to start running again without pain/muscle seizing.
Slowly and gradually I’ve returned to training and I’ve already fallen back in love with just the simple act of running again. Not paying attention to pace or really concerning myself about “building fitness” but rather just running for the pleasure of being outside. I’ll tell you, it is so much more fun to run when you are doing it for the love of it rather than feeling like you have to.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I was still sad I wasn’t racing. I still woke up early, sent good luck texts to my Northeast teammates, and watched the live results/twitter/ and any other social media that might show bits and pieces of the race. I came to find out that there was not much coverage of the race, so I drove to Kanawha State Forest to support my friends running the Frozen Sasquatch 50k. It was so awesome watching J.R. Luyster, Bob Luther, Brandon Perry, Lucas Warner, and so many others grit out tough runs on the snow-covered course. By the time I got home and ran, the leaders of the Bandera 100k were finishing and I saw that everyone from the Northeast Trail’s Collective crew did awesome! David and Riley finished 6th place and Ellie earned a Golden Ticket by finishing as 2nd Female! After what I had witnessed at Frozen Sasquatch and Bandera, I’ve concluded that I have some pretty darn tough and fast friends and that fuels my fire even more to get back to training again.
So, you may be wondering, why am I telling you all of this? Well, I believe it is easy to think that the top runners at all levels (from high school to college to post collegiate) are these indestructible machines that train insanely hard and win medals. You watch the workout Wednesdays on Flotrack or the Billy Yang documentaries on Youtube and you see these amazing athletes accomplish crazy feats. But you never really see the internal battles that they go through day in and day out. You see, every runner out there is a human being and each of us has gone through some adversity to be where they are today. They often succumb to identity issues or self-efficacy issues where they believe that their whole life revolves around the sport that they do. And I just want to get the message out there that every runner is more than that. There is so much that makes up each and every one of us and running is just a small part of that. We are poets, artists, musicians, story tellers, historians, and literally everything else out there. If you take anything out of this, just remember that we are runners but yet we are so much more. Enjoy it and appreciate the journey it will take you on but don’t let it define who you are.
As I reflected throughout this journey, I remembered that I also had a rocky start to my 2021 training (once again thanks to Rim to River) and I would consider 2021 to be the best year of racing that I have ever had. Maybe it’s best to start off the year with some adversity as it get’s you to appreciate running for what it is, an activity that I love to do and not what defines me as a person. I may be known as a runner/coach to most but hopefully those that know me see a bit more in me than just that. As I start to finalize my racing schedule for the year, I want to make a goal to do it for the love of it and not to impress anyone. I want to stop comparing myself to others and I just run because I have pure joy pushing myself to reach new heights. Last year was such a blast but I think 2022 is going to be even better. Time will tell.
Miles of Trials,
Caleb,